Thinking Biblically:
Manipulation
1. Introduction
A. What is sinful manipulation? It is, by definition, using words and/or actions to bully a person into letting you have your way. Knowing that if you can't have your way, that you will punish them in the process.Sound familiar? I know that it does to me. I feel like we (females) turn to this method of getting our way because for one reason or the other, we feel it is more effective than brute force. Maybe we know that God created us as "lesser vessels" physically, so we must use cunning annoyance to get our way in a man's world.
B. Manipulation usually escalates in steps. Sweet talk, begging, crying, anger, a cold shoulder, accusations and then finally threats. (some times nagging)
2. Biblical response
A. The Manipulator is a fool. A fool wont listen, they only want to have their way and be on with it. Anger resides in the bosom of a fool, they are arrogant and proud, won't take "no" for an answer, they think they are above accountability (Proverbs 18) The world calls this kind of behavior "verbal abuse"B. How to respond to a fool:
- Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you should also be like him (Proverbs 26:4)
- A fool answers back in anger or defends themselves at length. They often counterattack with their own accusations or threats or begging. This is returning evil for evil and there are then two fools talking to each other.
- Answer a fool as his folly deserves, that he be not wise in his own eyes. (Proverbs 26:5)
- A wise person will give the fool an answer that will convict him of his responsibility before God. In the process, the wise person is, more than likely, receive more verbal abuse, but they will be suffering for the righteousness of God.
A. the Husband and wife example
1. Sweet talk
Wife: "Sweetheart, I think I need a break. Would it be alright if I go to the beach for a week with my girlfriends and you take care of the children?"
Husband: "Honey, I wish you could, but this is going to be a really tough week for me at work, and I need you home. Perhaps we can work out something later for a shorter period of time"
2. Beg
Wife: Please please PLEASE let me go. I promise I won't ask again for a long time. Please say 'yes'!!!"
Husband: Honey I wish I could say yes, but my job to support this family has to come first
(1 Cor 11:3)
3. Cry
Wife: Que the tears "I'm so disappointed! It hurts my feeling that you don't want me to go."
Husband: "Sweetheart, it is your responsibility to graciously take 'no' for an answer and to stay home and not resent it." (Titus 2:4-5)
4. Anger
Wife: In angry and harsh tones, "This makes me so mad! I WANT to go!"
Husband: Calmly but clearly "It's understandable that you are disappointed, but it's not okay to be disappointed and sin in the process. Your responsibility is to put your family first." (Colossians 3:8)
5. Could Shoulder
Wife: Thinking "I'll show him" not speaking to him, or speaking in snappy cold tones
Husband: "Honey, you are being rude and malicious when you act like this. As a Christian your responsibility is to be kind and tender hearted and forgiving". (Eph 4:23)
6. Accusations
Wife: "You don't love me! I thought you cared about me, but nooooo, you only care about yourself. Your not fair! You get to go to work every day and I'm stuck at home with these kids and they're driving me CRAZY!!!!!"
Husband: "Honey, you are using sinful accusations to try to have your way. Instead, you should be thinking, 'How can I make that week as easy on my husband as possible?' The wife was created"for the Man's sake." So, my husband's responsibilities at work are more important than my vacation."
(1 Cor 11:8-9)
7. Threats
Wife: "Fine! If you don't want me to go, I'll just go any way and get a baby sitter." or "You'd better let me go, or else!" or "You're not fair! I'll leave you and never come back!" or "If I leave, I'll move away and you'll never see your kids again." or "I divorce your, or better yet, kill myself!"
OOOhh writing dramatic responses is fun! :)
Husband: "Honey, if you do that, you would be sinning, and it will be difficult for me and the children, but God will give us the grace to go through it." (1 Cor 10:13)
3. If you have Difficulty Responding Rightly
A. If you become confused, say something like, " I need to think about what I want to say. I'll be back."- Then go somewhere and write down the conversation; "he said" "I said" "He said" "I said" ...
- Then analyze it point by point, make sure you are responding biblically and not like a fool.
- If you have responded like a fool, go bake to the "original fool" and say "Remember when I said _______ that's not what I should have said, I should have said _______.
- The more you work at thinking biblically/ objectively (goal of loving God and loving the other person), the better you will get at showing love to the other person by trying to help them see their responsibility.
- Remember that in a verbal battle with a bully, "The anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God" (James 1:20)
- Speak in a gentle, kind tone of voice because "Love is patient and kind." (1 Cor 13:4)
- Pray and ask the Lord to help you (1 Thes 5:17)
- Set your heart on becoming more like the Lord Jesus Christ who never spoke in sinful, unbridled anger or foolish proud defense of Himself. He always perfectly showed love for God and others even when they were sinning.
- Humbly consider the other person as more important than yourself. (Phil 2:3)
- Have the hope that if you must suffer, you can suffer for the Lord's sake by doing what is right. (1 Peter 3:16-17)
4. Conclusion
A. Unbilical manipulation is using your words and/or actions to bully/persuade another person to let you have your way. If you cannot have your way, you can at least punish the other person in the process.B. Verbal bullying is a common sin. Persevere, by God's grace, to think and respond rightly when you are talking with a "biblical fool". And if you are the one acting like a "fool", then ask the Lord's forgiveness and ask forgiveness of those you have offended.
